Métamorphose de L’homme (art review)

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(Challenging, shocking and minimalistic. True art)

Rare is it I find myself taken back by such a remarkable display of power, shock and depth. This bold and phenomenal representation of dysmorphia encapsulates the boldness of natural form in a world hopelessly dependent on the material and the accessible. Unsettling and terrifying examples exist to compel us towards adherence to an ever increasing desire for comfort and the acceptance of others and this brave display delivers us to a more primitive and grounded ideal.

Incorporation of themes of surreality and abstraction benefits the piece to no end. Themes of dysmorphia depend on the abstract after all, do they not? Alas, with no declaration for reference, this all remains speculation. Does the piece represent dysmorphia at all? Or does the image seek to rekindle feelings of childish glee and jovial pre-adolescence?

Boldness of strokes add further intensity to this fascinating and audacious spectacle with the artist clearly drawing focus to areas of deeper importance; most prominently the flamboyant flailing of arms and the piercing delight exhibited within resolute and daring eyes.

Areas of disconnect in the form of the avatar trigger reactions to the incomplete nature of the mental form of us all. Could this be a phenomenal metaphor for the injustice encouraged within an uncaring and wounding society? Is this the failing in the consistent strength of a feeble left hand? Only future historians might speculate.

Rare is it I find myself taken back by such a remarkable display of power, shock and depth. The incredible observation of a broken world stands to be a particular menace in the eyes of us all and this aptitude of sheer craftsmanship embodies this perspective in true force, proudly declaring the fears and concerns of a broken and lost era in manner only truly clear in memories of happiness and juvenile pleasure. Or maybe I’m just taking the piss! Who knows?

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Black Sands by Bonobo (fellatio review)

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(Oooh, such pretty artwork!)

Those who know me personally and engage me about the music I actually like will know to expect three names; Radiohead, Duran Duran and, my love of all loves, Bonobo. In my previous review I stated that the life of a music critic is relatable to that of a prostitute, and if that’s the case then Bonobo is the man I freely offer myself to without the faintest request of compensation. He pleases me in ways few can and he has held my adoration and constant attention since I first discovered him. Spotify failing to load was all the encouragement I needed to rant on this absolutely flawless display of audio mastery.

My experiences of forcing this incredible orchestra of sound to others has proven that the music is something of an acquired taste. Either you can appreciate the subtlety in dynamic shifts, the finely crafted moods and ambience, phenomenal groove and remarkable combination of Lo-Fi and Hi-Fi production or you’re clearly lacking the mentality to comprehend and relate to this stunning display of audio orgasm. We all know of my ability to find fault in an album or piece of work, it’s just a byproduct of being such a fantastical cunt, but I can honestly say I can find no fault in the the album which isn’t better attributed to mentality and personal taste.

Where I usually compare an album I adore to that of an incredible fuck, this album transcends this metaphor to a frankly concerning degree! Were I to relate this to a mere fuck, I would have to count it as a glorious, passionate affair under the influence of both MDMA and viagra for the incredible measure of serenity and spiritual ecstasy the album encourages. The album resonates deeply in me and encourages a resurgence of physical feelings I felt at some of the happiest points in my life.

Where I would normally take time to ram my overly-critical flesh-warrior into every available hole in the album at this point, I struggle hugely with this album. I suppose certain mentalities wouldn’t appreciate this album and people demanding a relatable novelty or a catchy chorus would fail to access this album as it is. It’s not structured or written as one would construct a regular style of music but that’s part of the undeniable charm of the album and the artist himself! To complain the lack of traditional style in Bonobo would be like complaining that the guitar tone in a metal song is too overdriven or that there’s too much blatant Pablo Honey influence in Origin of Symmetry.

Were I to engage in sexual acts with only one person for the rest of my life it would likely be Bonobo. He stands in my eyes as the finest representation of music as an art form, releases a consistent stream of high quality and perfectly crafted music and stands as a beautiful night sky, constantly reminding me of the potential beauty to the musical universe. As stated before, those seeking the novelty and simplicity of a traditionally structured song will not appreciate this to the same level and I would certainly not recommend this to the kind of asshole who’s first defence against any musical opposing opinion is “you clearly know nothing about Metal”. Those with an appreciation for incredible ambient feel, dynamic flow and immaculate production should prepare a delicious cocktail, relax and just embrace the exemplary display that is Black Sands. 

Rubba Band Business by Juicy J (album review)

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(I think this photo may legitimately be more interesting than the album)

The life of a critic isn’t dissimilar to that of a prostitute. With a total lack of investment in everything I approach, I live an existence of spreading my tight, wet earholes for everything that drunkenly stumbles my way. A pitiful and much regretted exposure to Kanye West’s music had me concerned that Kendrick Lamar may be the only product of quality in Hip-Hop. Rubba Band Business brings my opinions of the genre to an equilibrium.

I initially decided to review Juicy J on the basis that his name has the potential for some easy sexual connotation and the incorporation of some well chosen pre-fixes can add a throbbing and penetrating contribution to my ongoing theme of fucking, but it’s hard to muster that much enthusiasm in the album. Though not lacking in production quality and structural understanding, I find it difficult to get too excited about this album. It’s just another totally serviceable fuck to get you through the day and the mediocrity makes it difficult to form any real attachment or opinion. 

Rubba Band Business is the slutty but still attractive girl you hooked up with at that bar that one time after your ex-girlfriend dumped your loser ass for that sensitive and understanding classmate you always thought was trying to “steal yo’ girl”. It’s just a cheap thrill that you probably won’t remember half as much as when you cried your sissy eyes out over your ex’s updated profile picture with that uppity tory wanker. But I digress…

Depressingly, I was left wishing for a bit more juice from this artist. I feel like a drunkard at a party who concerned my friend with my incredible alcohol consumption and now the bastard is just serving me piss-weak drinks out of fear I’ll throw up over his new suit. Yeah, the drinks taste better but I just want something with more balls

A great album should inspire particular feelings or leave me in profound thought and my lasting thought of this album was thus; “Can Hip-Hop artists stop throwing out the N-bomb so much?” I don’t know if it’s more embarrassing for a crow-faced honky like me to censor myself or not.

Bassically by Fieldy (album review)

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(Hot damn.)

Entering the experience felt akin to attending a swingers party with the expectation of fucking that cute chick from the coffee shop who you hear is also into that kinda thing, only to realise you’ve inadvertently attended a different one with her twin sister, who is totally lacking in the same sensibilities and it reflects in one of the strangest and most unexpected fuckings of your life. Dildos fly and you probably cry and you very swiftly realise this isn’t what you signed up for. 

This may be Fieldy, but it damn well isn’t Korn. Were I anybody else, this surprise fucking would have me weeping in a state of pure shock, but as four-string fingering fuckhead with a keen admiration for Funk and the willingness to listen to something new, I found this an absolute treat. 

This album is the kind of thing you play if you want to encourage some kind of bizarre, voodoo-style fucking with a lady friend as fucked up as you, and if you can talk a lady into such an act then hit me up and I’ll buy you a pint. What I mean to say is, this album has its place, but to find it you have to be missing quite a number of screws from your dick stretching, multi-orifice penetrating sex machine. I mean mind…

Perhaps the realisation that I can find a sexual metaphor for absolutely anything evidences a lack of mental stability and maturity but I feel this explains why I fucking love this album so much. The album seems to lack in coherence and tone to a certain degree but I feel this offers a great deal of charm and originality, perhaps because of the incredible creativity on display. Much like a swingers party, I can only offer a recommendation to people who are just into that kind of thing – and the thing in question here is the most fucked up combination of groove, funk, interesting layering, creative ideas and, most importantly, bass wankery. 

As You Were by Liam Gallagher (Raunchy Review)

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In my review of Who Built the Moon by Noel Gallagher, I inadvertently speculated at Liam Gallagher being the “Fuckboy brother you wish you hooked up with instead” but I feel I misjudged the man. As You Were feels like the fuckboy you hooked up with to spite his brother, only to later realise he’s actually a really nice guy at heart. Though at first your calamitous nature brands him as much a pig as any other man, you come to appreciate him from a deeper, more emotional perspective and begin to look to him with a newfound respect and admiration.

In relation to Noel, Liam seems to stand with modesty wielding an impressively sized lemon-scented cock and presents it in a manner which simply invites you in for a fellatio you can actually enjoy giving. Of course, the work doesn’t compare to the fifty minute foxy three-way fucking the brothers gave in the golden days of Oasis with their album, (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?, but it carries more than enough style to keep you fixated on the sex, I mean album. 

Entering the experience, your slutty, self-destructive mind expects just another fuck. Whilst the album appears much the same at first, it swiftly shows its class and respectability with a dedicated and well-practiced minimalism which just builds the foundation of a great time. It treats you like the lady you are, and works beyond the call of duty, spending more time than most satisfying the desires most others dismiss. Certainly, his brother never fucked me like this! The experience throws out variety with great incorporation of various techniques and positions, but works them together in a way where it all makes sense and flows with a well-considered fluency. 

The album is the kind of fuck you initially intend to provide a simple physical thrill, but after the deed you find yourself laying in his arms, watching movies and really getting to know each other until you both fall asleep. He shows his heart in a respectful and nonthreatening manner that leaves you confident in the man and the time you had. I feel almost ashamed to jump on the hype-train with the rest of the Mancunian shit-munchers, but this is a pretty great album and is well-deserving of a recommendation, so check it out! Or don’t, I don’t really give a shit.

Who Built The Moon by Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds (Raunchy Review)

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(above is the promotional artwork, as I’m sure your clever brain could deduce)

Great writers attest to the point that you should be able to summarise your opinion in a single sentence, and mine is thusly; the album hits with less impact than a cum-filled Super Soaker. I wish I could say the experience was comparable to the thrill of being caught in the middle of a homeless shelter sex party, but it lacked even that much liveliness. Did I say thrill? I meant experience. I definitely meant experience.

The album is like a forty-three minute fuck with only a few effort-filled thrusts to pleasure those saucy earholes of yours, complete with a lasting feeling of degradation and disappointment both in the fuck and in yourself for volunteering to it. It’s the kind of fuck where you regret not putting in the legwork to fuck the guy’s much hotter fuckboy brother instead. This actually isn’t a comparison to Liam Gallagher’s new album, but with Manchester audiences claiming that his most recent album is like the second coming of Christ, or more importantly, Oasis, it wouldn’t surprise me if this comparison was fair. But I digress… 

The album makes attempts to add an air of colour, but, to return to my mature and intellectual theme of intercourse, there’s only so much interest you can bring by painting your body blue before the “physical act of love” and, without more than a few good poundings, the experience just isn’t going to be a particularly great one. Like a dull fuck, the album doesn’t demand too much attention or involvement and can be a great time to organise your weekend and maybe catch up with the drama on your newsfeed, but you’re probably best just finding a more enjoyable cock to jump on.

How to Deal With Criticism – An Asshole’s Guide to Assholes

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Soak it in, ladies and gentlemen! The dictionary definition of Criticism! On a regular basis I receive remarks about the “harsh” and “unfair” nature of my writing and analysis. Perhaps people are right and I’m just a total dick, but what if they’re wrong? What if I’m just following the dictionary definition of what a critic is? Either way, thousands of writers around the world will follow similar principles to me and it’d probably be useful to understand asshats like me. Here’s a swift little gift to help understand the mind of a critic and our usefulness to you. Here’s five things to remember and five things to avoid when your band reads a review written by a bastard like me!

Do 

1. Respect the writer’s points

If we think it, other people will think it too. Our opinions and pieces are a reflection of what we saw and heard and remarks on the negative are made to highlight mistakes for improvement.

2. Listen and Learn

We’re not here to mock or disrespect your music or performance and we have no personal investment in the success or failure of your band. We stand on totally impartial grounds to fairly analyse and critique your work. We’re not biassed either way and as a result, we are of the few you can actually turn to for productive feedback.

3. Stay Impartial

Just as we take the middle ground, so should you. Distance yourself from the onslaught and respond with civility and objectivity. Even the most negative reviews will offer a great insight on how to better yourself and this improvement is paramount to any beginning band or artist.

4. Be Positive

Much like the above point, your mentality and approach will hugely dictate what you actually take from the review. Read a positive review in a negative way and the content won’t matter to you at all because you won’t have learned anything and if you approach a negative review with a negative mindset you will just dismiss the points. Stay positive and logical if you want to make the most of a review.

5. Understand our Role

The most important advice I can give to a band or artist is to understand the role of a critic before you involve one. We are under no professional obligation to promote your work or even be kind about it. Our job is to highlight flaws and merits and provide an honest accounting of our personal experience with your music and/or performance.

Don’t

1. Take it Personally

As stated above, we work impartially and have no investment either way. Good writers know that treating people like shit doesn’t gain the attention of the reader anywhere near as much as the ability to cleverly incorporate the phrase “titty titty fuck” into an article, so if we give harsh criticisms it’s not an act of malice, it’s an honest interpretation of what we experienced. We don’t want to attack you, we’re just honest.

2. Dismiss Criticisms

A review is composed of three main things: Criticisms, praise and our opinion. Dismissing criticisms eliminates a third of the value of a review and limits what you can gain from the piece. Its simple really – you should take the good and bad points of a review if you want to improve your work.

3. Drastically Alter the Band

Always see the value behind the opinions of the critic, but if you’re completely sure of what you’re doing then you’re under no obligation to change. Your music is a product of your own personality and taste and should be treated as such. We highlight issues and hope to help you achieve your best but we also respect your attempts of originality. As stated above, you should remain impartial in a review, accept negativity and when you incorporate feedback it should work with your own ideas and vision.

4. Make Excuses

Never assume that a critic is wrong or that they don’t understand you. We probably do, and our outsider perspective allows us observations you may not have considered. We formulate opinions based on our personal response to what you show us, that’s all. Take responsibility for your own mistakes and flaws and use the experience to better yourself.

5. Mock the Critic

If you have doubts or questions then we’re usually just a message away and we’re happy to respond. Mocking us just amuses us and encourages us to write snarky and flouting pieces implying your lack of cognitive ability. In addition to making you look like an absolute joke, it reflects on your band or work and makes it considerably more difficult to respect you as professionals.


 

There’s more to consider than that, of course, but the main point is to respect reviews as a professional product and understand our role. Critics are just heartless bastards who can separate ourselves from emotional attachment and see things from a completely unbiassed perspective – a great resource if you have the right mindset for it! I feel fortunate that most have seen the benefit to my reviews and I respect them for their civility and consideration, but I am more than aware of the many who don’t appreciate us critics and it is for them that I present this delightful post.