No One Ever Really Dies by N.E.R.D (album review)

Screen Shot 2017-12-18 at 1.21.41 pm

(What cool looking guys! What shit music!)

First impressions were not good, ladies and gentlemen! Of the three remaining listed releases of this week I was tasked with deciding from three albums I really didn’t give a shit about before surrendering to N.E.R.D, mostly due to a slight familiarity with their earlier music. With expectations at an all time low, it wasn’t a stretch for my first thoughts to be overwhelmingly negative. 

There is something to be said for an album which simply encourages one to compile a list of juvenile and vulgar insults over genuine criticisms, and it sure isn’t positive! I trust I can be forgiven for assuming the introductory tracks should serve either to build towards a greater dynamic or to hit me with a hard fucking from the beginning to give me a good impression of the album, right? Whether you consider this more than adequate assumption or not, I’m almost certain you’ll agree that it acts as a hindrance to begin an album with your worst songs and hope to progressively get better.

Depressingly, however, any benefit the album might gain from this bold approach is in vain, as you slowly learn that the album doesn’t seem to increase in quality at any point. Sure, some songs have a better energy, but most just feel like a total assault on your senses. The tracks all come loaded with more headache-inducing noises than an evangelical street preacher and some songs almost feel painful to listen to. Couple this with the abrupt endings to some of the earlier tracks and it makes for a total lack of flow.

What upset me most is the clear potential the band have to make incredible music! The introductory section to Don’t Don’t Do It genuinely sounds fantastic, but the sound gradually falls into “total shit-storm” territory, much like the other tracks. And yes, I am pissed that my lord and saviour, Kendrick Lamar, got involved in this. This total disregard isn’t limited to this one particular track either! I felt a similar thing with the following track, ESP, which shows equal groove and pizzazz, until, much like the previous track, the song descends into absolute fucking garbage. 

Maybe I’m not “going down on the kids”, or whatever your hip, millennial saying is, but I genuinely struggle to speculate to the target market for this. The band make huge attempts to incorporate very experimental techniques, which I’m totally on board for, but when they apply these to a sleek and stylish R&B groove they just seem to turn all of their gold to shit! It’s almost as if the aim of the album is to make an incomprehensible fucking mess. 

To conclude, my darling readers; the album is shit. I expected far more from Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo, but they failed to deliver any more than a compilation of squandered potential, incomprehensible noise and a total lack of flow. The album seemed a fucking ball-ache to listen to and there were legitimately times I just wanted to give up and do something more enjoyable, like drinking a bucketful of raspberry-scented bleach. I feel content in stating this has been one of the most dreadful experiences I have had this year and I couldn’t recommend you further from this album. 

Advertisements

That Was Then, This Is Now – Josh Wilson (album review)

Screen Shot 2017-12-13 at 11.47.45 am

(All I need to declare that ALL Josh Wilsons are cunts)

Much like the unkempt, unwashed and generally vulgar pussy of one of the more revolting of my previous sexual exploits, this album simply challenged my determination and tolerance from the second the moist chasm of failure and deprivation opened itself to me.  

“Glass half full” wankers can suck a filthy, unclean dick when they attempt to tell me music can’t be “too happy”. Maybe it’s my miserable and bitter nature, but when faced with a product of such overwhelming positivity my head fucking spins. Be it a fault in my resentful nature or a physical response to the overly bouncy and dynamic production, this album just does my fucking head in. What’s with this ongoing market for music with such forceful projection of clichéd happiness? The relentless pounding simply conjures images of grinning morons attempting to fuck me through the ear, or it achingly draws my memory to the monumental head-fucking I experienced throughout the Transformers movies. 

In contrast to the last album I reviewed, this album seems perfectly catered to the inferior mind of those who demand a predictable flow, structure and generic chorus. I will concede that a desire to create a basic, crowd-pleasing mound of shit has been well-realised in this album, but do we really need any more of this? 

Though dumb masses may protest, we should be long past the point of producing such basic shit! The music industry today is dominated by generic pop shit which does absolutely nothing in the endeavour to benefit the longevity of music as an art form, instead choosing to capitalise on the stupidity of the masses with a consistent conveyor belt of uninspired and unambitious products.

This album is just another generic pile of Pop garbage and appeals to me as much as the idea of unprotected sex with an AIDS-ridden cactus. If you like Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran you will probably find a place in your painfully offensive library for this, but anybody with a deeper appreciation for interesting or original music should give this the wide berth you’d grant a naked homeless guy with a machete.

 

Ten Years Alive On The Infinite Plain – Tony Conrad (album review + angry rant)

Screen Shot 2017-07-01 at 3.02.52 pm

(official cover art for the album, infinitely superior to any part of the piece)

I throw the term “Shit-muncher” around a lot, and it doesn’t necessarily act as indication of a terrible band. In spite of my love of the Rumours album by Fleetwood Mac (one of my favourite albums of all time), I consider them as pretentious hippy bullshit and it falls into the realms of shit-muncher material. This one-track album by Tony Conrad is the perfect antithesis of acceptable shit-munch, being a ridiculous eighty-eight minutes of repetitive drone. An enormous letdown for me, given as it received a gleaming five stars from Mojo Magazine in their most recent publication. With a description painting the release as a gloriously artistic and other-worldly spectacle, I went in with eager anticipation, expecting a true display of musical ingenuity. Oh how fucking wrong I was…

Firstly, as a disclaimer, I will admit that I have no other knowledge of Tony Conrad and have had no exposure to any of his previous work and, as far as I know, he could be entitled to the phenomenal reputation he has. I also want to clarify that I have no personal grievance with the man and, as he passed in April of last year, I will say nothing to insult his name – I serve only to bring an outsider perspective on the travesty that is this “musical” release.

When I say this is an eighty-eight minute drone fest I am being totally honest with you. Seriously, find it on Spotify and just skip through to random intervals of the track – or better yet, suffer the bullshit I faced by listening through the entire piece! I understand the purpose and creation of a soundscape, I have made many in my time as a musician. I also understand the nature of art and how it primarily serves to evoke a feeling or a story in the mind of the listener and I feel any soundscape should possess something accessible or some form of genuine musicianship for it to be considered music. This piece is music in the loosest possible definition of the word as, technically, it is orchestrated sound – but the most pathetic, pretentious form of it imaginable.

Screen Shot 2017-07-01 at 3.05.08 pm

(don’t let the image fool you, professional and cool as he looks, the “music” is terrible)

With no exaggeration, I claim this as the worst “musical” endeavour I have ever experienced in my life. With bands I detest such as All Time Low being dreadful in their own right, there can be no dispute that they create music with the intention of appealing to somebody or some particular niche, this abomination does nothing but serve the pretentious ego of the creator. A word I read it described as was “hypnotic” and I guess I can agree, in the same way I consider being repeatedly beaten over the head to be hypnotic. With the only means of enjoying it being a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, being absolutely sick in the head or so desperate to be respected as an individual that you will blindly ignore what is a dreadful and insulting piece of shit.

This approach to music genuinely revolts me and the lack of respect for the subject angers me to my very core. Music is a craft that opens one to the the world, reflects the beauty and wonder in all things, gives purpose to people and gives inspiration and identity and when a person releases a turd like this under the title of “music” it brutally undermines the integrity of musicians and art everywhere. This piece is the perfect example of a description I used to define some of my previous work – “the musical equivalent of throwing shit at a wall and calling it art” and, though I never claim to be exceptional in any respect, I can compare this to my body of work and consider myself a fucking genius.

This approach to orchestrating sound is an absolute disgrace to the musical arts and should be shunned by all. It shows blatant disrespect and almost mockery to what is probably the most incredible and pure thing ever devised by humans and pisses over everything musicians have spent thousands of years making and experimenting with. With a creation which invokes nothing but disgust and indignation, I will proudly announce to the world that this is the worst thing I have ever listened to in my life and maybe even the rest of my days to come.